Where is love?

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day, a day to celebrate love.

What is love? Wikipedia offers some definitions for us to consider:

♥  Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.

- Oxford Illustrated American Dictionary (1998) + Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary (2000)

♥  Love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection; and "the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".

- Merriam Webster Dictionary

♥  Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection.

- Fromm, Erich; "The Art of Loving", Harper Perennial (1956)

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love, accessed Sunday 12 February 2012, 1450 hrs]

In some languages there are different words for love: words that each refer to a different type of love.

In ancient Greek, for instance – the language in which much of the Bible was written – there are several words used that have been translated into the one, common English word, love: philia, eros, agape, storge, and xenia.

Philia (φιλία) is what would be called “brotherly love.” It describes the bond of loyalty to friends, family, and community. [The City of Philadelphia is known as the ‘City of Brotherly Love.’]

Eros (ἔρως) is what we generally refer to as “romantic, passionate love,” and also describes a sense of sensual desire longing. [This is the root of the word “erotic.”]

Agape (ἀγάπη) describes a “pure love,” the love of God for mankind, the reciprocal love of mankind for God, and by extension the love of one’s fellow man.

Storge (στοργή) is a “natural, familial love,” the love of a parent for their child, and vice versa. It can also refer to a love between exceptionally close friends, friends who are closer with each other than with a sibling.

Xenia (ξενία) refers to a “love thy neighbour” sense of hospitality between a host and a guest, especially a stranger. This hospitality was important in ancient Greece, with the host offering food and lodging, and expecting only gratitude in return.

Very different meanings, and yet we use just one word to describe them all.

I would say that I have certainly experienced, at various times, all five forms of love.

In terms of storge, however, I have not experienced the love of a parent for a child, other than through the surrogacy of teaching and being a youth leader.

It is my greatest, and indeed really my only, regret – that I do not have children of my own.

I can only imagine what it must be like to have a child, to watch him or her grow through childhood, adolescence, and into adult hood.  If my own childhood and youth are any indications, there are as many trials and tribulations as there are moments of joy. Still, again drawing on my own experience, it is the joy that we remember most.

It is ironic that on the same weekend I write a column on the subject of love, in which I will refer to the lyrics of the song The Greatest Love of All, by Michael Masser and Linda Creed. The irony is that it was Whitney Houston, who was found dead in her hotel room on Saturday, who made this song popular.

So, it would seem this song is referring to Storge, the love between family members. Teach the children well, give them a sense of pride, let their laughter remind us of how we used to be. But later on we find the song has a different focus:

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

I believe that this is agape love; the pure love of God for mankind, and of mankind for God. Of course, those who consider themselves atheists or are otherwise non-believers may disagree, as is their wont.

Believers accept that God is to be found not only in Heaven, nor just in the world around us, but within each and every one of us. It stands to reason, therefore, that to love God is to love oneself; and, to love oneself is to love God.

The Bible implores us to love others as we would be loved ourselves. It stands to reason, then, that we must know how to love ourselves, first. Whether or not one is a believer, it seems proper that we should learn to love ourselves in order that we may better love the others in our lives.

If we do not love ourselves, if we instead look inward only to find fault and question why others profess to love us, how can we accept their love?

Sometimes it is difficult to recognize and acknowledge what others see in us.

I am reminded of the example of the person who shuns compliments, who when someone comments on their, say, jacket, they reply, “What? This old thing?”

Of course, song lyrics aren’t necessarily the last word in how to live our lives, and it might be a bit overly optimistic to suggest that “the greatest love of all is easy to achieve.”

For some, learning to love themselves is not easy.

Yet, I am reminded of another song, written for the movie Urban Cowboy by Wanda Mallette, Bob Morrison, and Patti Ryan -- Looking for Love (In All the Wrong Places).

How many of us can say that we have looked for love in all the wrong places?

Especially if we have not found love within ourselves, it becomes too easy to look for – and find – love in “all the wrong places.” For some that could mean casual relationships, or even gangs.

“Gangs?” I hear you asking. “What do gangs have to do with love?”

Many gang members come from broken homes, from dysfunctional families, often lacking a consistent father figure. They are looking for acceptance, for a surrogate family. They are looking for love but, again, in all the wrong places.

Morrie Schwartz, sociology professor and author, provides us with some closing thoughts on love:

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

There is an old adage: you must spend money to make money.

It seems to me that a similar adage would be appropriate for love: you must give love to get love. And the best way to give love to others is to first be able to love yourself.

Never take love for granted. Celebrate and nurture love. Surround yourself with friends and family, sharing in the love you have for each other.

Where is love?

Love surrounds us, but most importantly, it begins in our own hearts.

But… that’s just my opinion.