Hearing voices. Updated.

Anyone who knows me reasonably well won't be surprised by this, and likely may who only know me through this column, and my Blue Room posts (as Sam C), won't be surprised, either: I have a very active imagination, and a quirky sense of humour.

One of the things that often amuses me is to imagine various people or characters in different roles than that for which they are known. For example…

Fans of Star Trek: The Next Generation will be familiar with Lt. Worf, the Enterprise's resident Klingon, and his distinctive speech pattern. I often imagine Worf doing the voice-over for the "Viewer Discretion" announcements that come before tv shows with mature themes and violent scenes.

Of course, I can't replicate how that would sound in text, and short of posting a You Tube video of me doing a Worf impression (I'm told it is fairly good, but still.) there is no way to convey this to you. But, if you can "hear" Worf in you mind's ear, so to speak, then read the following statement in Worf's voice:

The following program contains scenes of violence, and is intended for a mature audience. Viewer discretion is advised.

In fact, I once did the Worf voice for friends, who thought it sounded very appropriate.

Another notable voice is that of actor James Earl Jones. Most of us are likely familiar with his "This is CNN" and "Luke, I am your father."

Imagine, then, hearing the deep, resonant tones of Mr Jones describing the benefits of the latest development in diapers:

However they move, there's a Pampers for all of them.

Better still… what if James did the Slap Chop® commercial?

Hi. James here for Slap Chop…
This tuna looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna. Stop having a boring life.

And wouldn't Vince's most quoted line be even funnier if Jones said it?

You're gonna love my nuts.

(I told you, I have a quirky sense of humour!)

How about having Clint Eastwood sing "The Ballad of Jed Clampett" (the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies). Of course, he wouldn't actually sing. Instead, I can imagine him doing it as more of a spoken-song -- think of Leonard Cohen or (egad!) William Shatner.

Again, try and "hear" Clint's breathy snarl reciting these lyrics:

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed;
Poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
Then one day, while out shootin' for some food,
up from the ground come a bubbl-in' crude.
(Oil, that is. Black Gold. Texas Tea.)

Yeah, let's "hear" the second verse, too:

Well the first thing you know, Ol' Jed's a millionaire.
Kin folk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
Said, "Californee is the place you oughta be!"
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly
(Hills, that is. Swemmin' pools. Movie stars.)

Can't you just hear it? And see his famous squint and one raised eyebrow?

Over the years there have been some awesome choices made to voice animated characters. Probably the best known and most perfect choice was Boris Karloff for the voice of The Grinch (Who Stole Christmas).

There are a whole lot of people who would be so wrong for that voice-over.

For instance, imagine: Jimmy Stewart, Bob Newhart, or Jerry Seinfeld as the Grinch.

Or maybe… can't you just "hear" Sir Sean Connery as the Grinch?

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

As I said earlier, while I can "hear" those voices, I have no way of conveying them to you, my readers. However, those of you who have a Mac can click on a couple of settings to have your computer "speak" text that you highlight.

There is an extensive collection of "voices" to choose from, both male and female. While synthesized speech has progressed tremendously over the past decade or two -- most no longer speak with a Swedish accent -- it still offers a slightly odd inflection and is obviously not a real person.

Still, it's fun to hear. Go to the Apple menu, and select System Preferences > Speech > Text to Speech. Then, select a voice, and designate a key combination.

Go back to the text and select (right-click--drag) the passage you want read, then hit the key combo. Voilà!

(PC Users may be able to do this, too -- I believe newer versions of Windows includes a speech function... check the Help files.)

If you pick the right voice (from the Setup menu), it can even sound like Steven Hawkings reading the passage.

So… what odd voice combinations can you think of? Post your ideas in the response section.

After all, there's nothing better than a good chuckle on a cold winter's day (or evening).

But… that's just my opinion.

UPDATE

I saw this on face book -- a friend had posted it on her Wall. I thought it was very apropos to my ideas in this column.

The most satisfying thing about this image is the fact that you are probably reading this in Morgan Freeman's voice. It's amazing, this phenomenon. Just by simply seeing a picture of someone your brain instantly makes the connection to the most memorable thing about them. There could be anything in the world written on this image, and in your brain it would sound amazing because you have Morgan Freeman narrating it.