In Other Words ...

- Bart Howard

One of the few American versions of a British tv show that was better than the original was Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the improv show hosted by Drew Carey.

I had watched the Brit version on CBC a couple of years before the American version aired, and it was a snore-fest. I never understood that, because usually I find British humour extremely funny. Perhaps they just had the wrong people on the show - there are a lot of really funny people who just can’t do improv.

It did start to pick up a bit when Canadian comedian Colin Mochrie joined the line-up, and got even better when he invited his friend Ryan Stiles to join the troupe. But it became truly side-splitting funny when Drew Carey brought the show to this side of the Atlantic.

One of their better bits was "If You Know What I Mean," where the comedians were given a scene and only allowed to speak in euphemisms. Of course, they didn’t use familiar euphemisms. Being improv artists, they hit new heights (and lows) in employing absurdly mangled metaphors in place of more mundane terms.

For instance, instead of saying "passed on" to describe someone who had died, they might say "attained room temperature," or "bought himself a pine condo," if you know what I mean.

I found this bit funny because they did go to such absurd lengths, which in turn points out the inherent, albeit less noticeable, absurdity in using euphemisms in the first place.

Euphemisms — the substitution of a mild or indirect expression for one that may be offensive or unpleasant — in and of themselves aren’t necessarily funny. What is funny is the verbal dance some people do to avoid saying a word or phrase they find unpleasant.

Death is, of course, the ultimate unpleasantness. Great Aunt Tessie didn’t "die," she "passed on." Even worse, I have heard people claim that a loved one "has left us," as if they are off on a bus tour.

But it isn’t just death that people are reluctant to address directly. The news is full of euphemisms.

News coverage of the various wars taking place are strewn with any number of sterile phrases such as collateral damage, friendly fire, and "Shock and Awe." Even the word "war" itself is often not used directly.

Forces are often engaged in a conflict or liberating the oppressed peoples of (insert name of country here). When the word "war" is used, it is often qualified, as in War on Terror.

Many people are reluctant to use the proper terms for even the most mundane activities. I don’t know about you, but every once in a while I have to go to the bathroom.

So many people seem to avoid saying this, instead suggesting they are heading to the WC or loo (both British terms), or to the the smallest room, the reading room or the library. A woman will often say she is just going to powder my nose.

Actually, to point out the absurdity of these euphemistic substitutions, I will often say that I am just going to powder my nose. The reaction I get can be priceless.

The problem with using euphemisms is that, after a time, the original meaning can be lost. Some people may never have known the original term, having only ever heard the euphemism.

Often parents will use euphemisms with their children to describe various body parts, especially their genitals. To me, knowing the correct term is much more appropriate than learning some indirect and confusing substitute, however more "polite" that substitute might be.

Imagine a 40-year old man going to his doctor and saying "I’m having a problem with my wee-wee," or a woman telling her gynaecologist she "has a problem with my bottom."

There was a commercial that ran last year for some canned sloppy-joe mix, where the mother asks her son and his friend if they want theirs "on toast or on buns." The boys, and eventually the older sister and father, succumb to fits of giggles, with the son explaining that "Mom, you said buns." Mom fails to see the humour in this.

The movie Kindergarten Cop has a hilarious scene, where Arnold’s character firsts attempts to get to know his 5-year old charges. The kids are sitting in a circle at his feet when one precocious little boy very matter-of-factly states "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina."

Initially, just hearing the boy say this is amusing, but what is truly funny is Arnold’s reaction, because it is the reaction many people would have.

Admittedly, some euphemisms are just plain funny. Many have been coined to elevate the mundane — a job title, or an object — to an absurd status. Why wouldn’t someone prefer to be a Sanitation and Maintenance Technologist instead of a Janitor, or to carry a Data Transport System instead of a briefcase?

Working in a Cube Farm sounds far more exotic than an Office, and stating that one has Taken an Active Role in the Implementation of a Lean Concept of Synchronous Organizational Structure sounds far better than saying you were just fired.

Doesn’t being described as The Life of the Party or Uninhibited sound better than having someone say you lack impulse control, or have no social skills to speak of?

As for myself, I prefer to claim that I have a Youthful Outlook on Life. It sounds so much better than admitting I am getting on toward 50 and still haven’t settled into a career.

But… that’s just my opinion.