Fun Fact: The most watched television program in North American history (114 million viewers) featured chanteuse and whipped cream enthusiast Katy Perry performing fifteen minutes of her fructose-laden pop, accompanied by a giant robot lion and unenthusiastic dancer in a shark costume.
Plus some football.
Yes, it was last year’s Super Bowl, number XLIV in Roman numerals, the Super Bowl being the only place said numerical system is applied anymore.
America’s Game, that Sunday prostration to the non-secular deities of Sport, Entertainment, Advertising, and Fried Food in Quantity, is the biggest deal in TV, with the ad rates to back it up.
In fact, what do you think the cost of a 30 second commercial is for this year’s game?
Nope, you’re wrong. It’s $5 million….US…which is like $12.5 million Canadian or something.
Now, the more astute Game On readers among you (LOVE YOU MOM!) will know I’ve covered American Football already, so I won’t tread into those waters again, suffice it to say last year’s game was a Stone Cold Classic, with a last-second interception sealing a 28-24 for the New Englands over the Seattles.
What I’d rather cover here is the actual consumption of the game itself.
This game, after all, is usually accompanied with viewing parties and other rituals.
Breaking down the parts of the experience, so that the whole can be enjoyed the way Touchdown Jesus intended (Okay wrong league, but work with me here…)
As such, as a public service (which should complete my legal obligations to Her Majesty), I present a guide to watching the Super Bowl, which I have called The Game On Guide to Watching the Super Bowl.
Pay attention, because right off the hop, you can get this very, very wrong.
Understand that, unlike most sportsball pre-games that start an hour before game time, the Super Bowl pre-game starts somewhat earlier.
Like 5-minutes-after-the-Conference-Championships earlier.
Your party however, will likely start about three hours before the national anthem, meaning 3.5 hours before kickoff.
Seeing as the broadcast itself will run about four hours, that means over seven hours of festivities, which means PACE YOURSELF.
I know we all want to get arse deep into the food before the Con Queso gets all pond-scummy on top and the BBQ sauce could be used to seal your driveway, but you have a game to get through.
Pre-game plate of snacks, followed by a half-time bowl of chili and pulled pork hoagie, concluding with a late game graze of the remains, is the way to go.
As well, your consumption of alcohol should follow the same methodology.
Despite the carpet bombing of ads to the contrary, you are under no obligation to make Bud or Bud Light you choice of tipple.
A six pack, spaced out like non-college kids would, should suffice.
If the host happens to have shooters in the colours of each team, by all means.
Just remember, like seemingly every Bowl game in the 80s, things can escalate quickly and end very badly for certain participants.
If you are in a fairly coherent state come the final gun, take this as a win and a testament to your self-control, and as such please do not feel compelled to shotgun what alcohol you have left before leaving.
You are a grown up, in someone else’s house, who has to work to tomorrow.
Formal, even semi-formal attire is generally frowned upon, so save the unveiling of your latest find from the Versace Outlet for another venue.
Casual is the way to go, with comfy pants especially (see Refreshments), with bonus points issued for official team wear.
Said points are to be immediately subtracted if said kit is your lucky touch football jersey that you haven’t washed since Joe Montana’s first Bowl win.
Body paint in team colours? Acceptable.
Body paint in place of actual clothing? Not acceptable.
Most party hosts will set up a game of random score squares so all can participate.
Keep the price of admission low, and don’t keep a portion of the proceeds to fund the purchase of that 80” Smart TV we are enjoying.
As well, you can bet on literally everything regarding this game.
No I’m not misusing that word like LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE.
These are called prop bets and they apply to LITERALLY every aspect of the game.
Some examples are:
The length of the rendition of The Star Spangled Banner (take the over)
Number of mistakes in said rendition
The number of times the owners is shown celebrating/pouting/firing someone
The number of times the QB’s beautiful wife/girlfriend/side piece/spokesperson is shown
The outcome of the coin toss
The number of complaints regarding the coin toss
The first replay challenge of a completed catch
The first lengthy pointless discussion of what constitutes a catch
The number of F-bombs that slip past the censors
The number of new FCC rules for the 2017 game thanks to that number
Oh, and boring stuff like points, TDs, yardage, and blah blah blah…
Oh, and one more thing. The regular season rules apply, meaning as always NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM.
It’s going to suck.
You hate the musical act they have chosen.
It’s going to run too long.
You’ll miss all of the cool commercials because of the Canadian simulcast.
You’ll go outside for a bit of driveway football and come back in very sore with someone now occupying your seat.
Come to terms with these realities now and you just might be able to enjoy the second half.
Keep it light, upbeat, and in soundbites equal to the play clock or commercials.
If you talk trash, do it respectfully, and with wit, for heaven’s sake.
If you bring your partner, please remember that there is nothing quite so uncomfortable as the awkward silence that stems from public displays of domestic friction.
I’m sure he wasn’t really flirting with her, and I’m positive she didn’t give you the death stare when you cracked your 6th Keith’s.
The game is over.
The food is cold and dry.
You’re out of beer.
The host’s partner is already in pajamas.
The basket of keys is for keeping you from driving, not an invitation to a swinger’s party.
And don’t forget, it’s your turn to host next year!
Not too late to book a vacation, guy…