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Mac's Christmas Diet 2014

Thursday, December 04, 2014   by: Mac Headrick

 Well I’m back. The last three weeks have been very busy. It all started with a heart attack I experienced on November 12/2014. I had open heart surgery (double by-pass) at St. Michael’s hospital Toronto November 18/2014. I’m feeling great and it is time to get back to the column. Listed below is my updated annual Christmas Diet.

It is only 19 days to Christmas. Even though this time of year is supposed to be filled with joy and happiness there is one particular aspect of it that causes a lot of people some anxiety. Simply stated a lot of folks are worried they will gain weight due to the over consumption of food. Please allow me to present my special diet for the holidays. Consider it a present from me to you. Now please note this column is not just a reprint from last year (2013). It certainly contains some of the brilliant information presented in that piece. No, no, no!! Today l present a new and improved update to eating over the holidays.

In 2012 l wrote about a study in the United States that concluded that patients who were underweight had a 40% higher risk of dying in the first month after surgery. You thought that all these years my special “Christmas Diets” were done in jest. Who knew l actually was on the cutting edge of getting healthy. My point is temporarily put away the jogging shoes; push away from the salad bowl; follow my Christmas diet and improve your health.

MAC’S CHRISTMAS DIET 2014.

The following foods contain no calories or fat, therefore consume them first.

1. Anything eaten on Christmas Day as long as you at some point feel stuffed; crawling to the sofa for an after dinner nap is considered a form of exercise.

2. Any baking made by a mother for her family. The love content nullifies any fat and/or calories.

3. Alcohol consumed responsibly is calorie free. This “fact” does not apply to individuals who drink and drive. The consumption of drugs over the holiday season is also not recommended for three reasons. They are illegal. Some such as the smoking of crack cocaine can result in a massive weight gain. Also apparently if you do drugs there is a side effect of permanent stupidity.

4. Any turkey sandwich (this includes bread, butter and mayo) made from leftover Christmas turkey is calorie free... please note the mayo must be the real stuff. Also turkey stuffing is calorie free, I think? I have never ate any stuffing after the initial Christmas dinner as it is always gone.

5. Any Canadian considered a senior (60 years or older) automatically is credited with an extra 1,000 daily calories to be used towards any foods consumed over the holidays. I just discovered this fact four years ago. Now, if the senior in question is also retired they are awarded an extra 500 calories per day. This is because retirees are very busy. I just discovered this fact on November 8/2012. There is more, for every year over 60 you are awarded a bonus of 5000 calories per year.

6. Any food that contains the pork product bacon is essentially calorie and fat free. The reason for this is anything consumed that contains bacon tastes great. The individual eating the bacon feels so good they burn off extra calories maintaining the state of bliss. The above statement is especially true if the bacon is applied to a maple donut. The salt (bacon) is canceled out by the sugar (donut).

7. We are all aware that men and women are physically different. This biological fact also applies to food. Specifically any amount of quality chocolate eaten by females over the holidays is fat and calorie free. Linda just pointed out to me that for this rule to apply only the woman is allowed to eat the chocolate given to her as a gift. I never knew that.

8. Anything food or drink consumed by a woman within four hours of a romantic interlude is completely fat and calorie free. I have been questioned upon the validity of this claim. Look, l checked with all the guys at work and they told me it’s true. In a recent poll 49% of the Canadian population agreed with the above.

9. Any snacks eaten by a man or woman while watching sports on television will result in a weight loss double the calories consumed. This is due to the exercise associated with observing sports. Examples of this are going to the bathroom; walking to the fridge for another beer; making a sandwich at half time, and at times commiserating and or agonizing over the score.


10. Any Green Bay Packer fan is granted an extra 1,000 calories a day. It takes energy to develop the intelligence to support the greatest team in professional sports. What if you support some lesser team such as the Detroit Lions? Then the calorie benefit is halved to 500 due to a sympathy factor because obviously intelligence has nothing to do with it. Green Bay Packer fans are experiencing increased weight loss this season due to high anxiety, see #9 for explanation.

11. Remember to have at least six servings of vegetables and fruits daily. The veggies can and should be deep fried and taken with a dip. The fruit can be contained within a pie. Remember chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Beans are a vegetable. Sugar comes from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both cane and beets are plants therefore vegetables. Regardless the veggies will eliminate any calories or fat from such traditional snacks such as chicken wings or hamburgers.

12. Anyone who owns a pet is credited with an extra 500 calories a day. If that pet is a dog make it 1,000 calories. If the dog sleeps on the bed at night, 1,500 calories.

13. If a tree falls in the forest and no-one hears it did it make a sound? If you eat a late night snack over the holidays and no-one sees you are there really any calories or fat? Hmmm, something to think about…and while you’re thinking about it…guess what!! You are burning even more calories from the effort! 

14. As a reader reminded me, there are people in Sault Ste Marie that struggle to make ends meet. Any donation to a person or a family in need will result in a calorie and fat free day for the donnor. All the individuals involved in Christmas Cheer receive two fat free days.

15. Any hospital food consumed in December is fat and calorie free. It takes energy to heal.

Well that is about it. Please note there is no scientific fact to support the above, but ask yourself the following question. Who are you going to believe... some scientific theory put out by a stranger? Or the taste of a turkey dinner and all the trimmings shared with family and friends on Christmas Day?

As l see it, enjoy the food over the Christmas holidays. There will be lots of time to return to traditional and “healthy” food plans in the New Year.

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