Bobby Nerves 4/10/2014 6:46:31 AM Report
Good morning Mallet.
OK, be careful with the coffee.
Here goes a good one, the first of the day:
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says,
"Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered,
"Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says,
"Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
DISCLAIMER: This message is directed to Mallet. If you are not Mallet, or a Goose or a Pig please do not read this message.
Bobby Nerves 4/10/2014 6:48:20 AM Report
And if you're not a Goose or a Pig, what are you, eh... eh...?
Bobby Nerves 4/10/2014 6:52:59 AM Report
Ah, you do not know who you are.
Well, I'll tell you. You are the one with the spatula!
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. Spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
Just Curious 4/10/2014 8:17:19 AM Report
'Mornin' Irish; Hope the little fur-ball is still doing well... Know what you mean about the constant cleaning this time of year. My little guy is brown and white and some days gets housed down 3/4 times a day...lol.. Good thing he likes water...:).
celeste5 4/10/2014 8:21:41 AM Report
Good morning everyone.
I have a Dr appointment at 9am,
Than, I`m going shopping.
I`ll be back later with a very funny joke.
I laughed and laughed, It`s a good one, but very long.
Brietsy 4/10/2014 9:02:13 AM Report
Bobby, those were both classic ones. good show
soowat 4/10/2014 9:46:32 AM Report
Since this is joke telling day,I thought I would share this one courtesy of Phyllis Diller
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
celeste5 4/10/2014 10:21:28 AM Report
Well, I`m back, didn`t go shopping.
Two newfies walk into a pet shop in St John`s and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George,
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we`ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage up dere, says George.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry`s truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.
At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, Dis look like a grand place.
He takes two birds out of the box puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, Fook dat, dis budgie jumping too fook`n dangerous for me.
Moments later, Seamus arrives.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
George shakes his head and says, And I`m never trying dat parrotshooting either.
It Is Not Over Yet
George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.
He`s also been to the pet shop and is carring a cardboard box, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more George shakes his head.
Fook dat, lads, first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Bren and his Fook`n hengliding.
Brietsy 4/10/2014 10:34:06 AM Report
celeste5 4/10/2014 11:01:09 AM Report
I see, I missed a word, Way.
Gerry falls all the way to the bottom.
Actually guys, I`ve been doing pretty good, ah, LOL.
mallet 4/10/2014 11:03:01 AM Report
Classics all, which is what we need on this rather dull wet morning, not that I am complaining about the weather, but i was just getting used to the sunshine... Still a lot of heavy wet snow on the ground roundabout this part of the woods.
Okay now for a sort of political joke that another poster would enjoy ... I think...
I have to thank Mr Harper and his P C government for many things but the greatest is in enhancing my sex life. Due to the escalating cost of living and being on a fixed income.... my wife can no longer afford batteries.!!!!
celeste5 4/10/2014 11:14:29 AM Report
My younger sister married a Newfie, LOL,
He`s lots of laughs.
Bobby Nerves 4/10/2014 11:33:04 AM Report
OK Mallet, we're improving, that was a good one for my break. Now, enjoy this one, and gently drop a good one after.
Here we go, and I love this one:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!
Just Curious 4/10/2014 2:00:04 PM Report
Disclaimer(Bobby) and my apologies to all newfies everywhere. Most of you know more newfie jokes than anybody;
Did you hear about the 3 newfies that went ice-fishing??? Caught 75lbs of ice...One fellers mom nearly drowned trying to cook it...
Then there was the newfie that died and wanted to be buries at sea....Three of his buddies drowned diggin' the grave..
Three newfies out hunting came across a set of tracks. 1st newfie says" look at de rabbit tracks." 2nd newfie says " you're daft, man, dems snowmachine tracks." 3rd newfie got down on his knees to look and the train hit him..
And lastly, the newfie that was out of work and went to TO looking for work? Was walking down Young St and a hooker came up and says "want a blow job?". The newfie says "no t'anks ,don't wanta screw up my unemployment..."
mallet 4/10/2014 3:24:19 PM Report
This is a quicky...
4 newfies take a drive to Toronto. get to Kingston and onto the 401, about 45 minutes later they see a big sign at the side of the road ... "Toronto Left... they look at each other, shrug their sholders and "Ah well, might as well go home then"..
mallet 4/10/2014 4:23:20 PM Report
You have to be a sports fan to understand this one, especially Rugby...
A bride on her wedding night, say to her husband, "DarlingI have a confession to make, I was a hooker".
Her husband replies, "That's alright Darling, your past is your past, but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me about it".
She replies, "Well my name was Gareth and I played for Cardiff".
redranger 4/10/2014 5:14:19 PM Report
what is with the ethnic jokes , you insensitive clods. Why not tell some French Canadian (Frog) jokes or some British limey jokes. Is it only dogs that one cannot joke about?
phantom 4/10/2014 5:17:39 PM Report
Nice "joke day"...Here is one for ya's. Little Johnny walks into mom and dads room and finds them in the throws of passion. He runs back to his room and hides from what he has just witnessed.Mom and dad have a good laugh at this and she asks her husband to go and have the "birds and bees" talk with their son.Dad goes to Johnny's room smiling and grinning all the way only to open the door and see little johnny going at it hot and heavy with his grandma! Dad yells...what the hell son! Without missing a beat little Johnny looks back and says..."Not so funny when it's your mom now is it!"
phantom 4/10/2014 5:23:57 PM Report
One more...A man is walking past a mental hospital when he hears the patients yelling 13..13..13 He can't see over the fence so he looks through a knot hole and gets poked in the eye with a stick! The patients all start yelling 14..14..14! Moral of the story,sometimes it's better to mind your own business!
celeste5 4/10/2014 6:53:26 PM Report
Here`s one for you.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Bobby Nerves 4/10/2014 6:56:05 PM Report
An old French Canadian:
President Bush called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried: "My people's favorite form of birth control!
This is a true disaster!"
"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Bush. Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway" said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bush.
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Bush.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen' dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in colour, at least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem: MADE IN CANADA, size: SMALL."
irishfey 4/10/2014 6:56:18 PM Report
Just Curious.. Sorry to be late to respond.. Yes our little pals can get themselves into quite a mess outside. I don"t mind the mud and such but years back ( we had Buddy and a big shephard mix dog) that loved to roll around in the fresh cow pies.. now "that" was a real treat to clean up,lol.. I read that it was like perfume to them ,lol.... Anyway, great jokes in here again... laughter.. good for the soul..... Have a great night all.... snuggle that baby of yours J.C... Bless you...
Bobby Nerves 4/10/2014 7:01:04 PM Report
Another Canuck one:
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
celeste5 4/10/2014 7:08:02 PM Report
Very good, we just need a Limey joke.
Mallet, do you know a good Limey joke?
celeste5 4/10/2014 7:22:57 PM Report
I should`ve said, do you know a good British Joke?
Didn`t mean to be insulting.
redranger 4/10/2014 8:06:38 PM Report
,,,and be sure not to forget the wops, kikes and n----rs with your racist jokes.
celeste5 4/10/2014 8:26:51 PM Report
Lighten up, crispes,
laughing is good for the soul.
Have a nice evening.
mallet 4/10/2014 8:32:58 PM Report
Which do you want now, British or limey jokes... British include Welsh, Irish and Scottish, while Limey are just English jokes... Being the old ignorant Limey clod I am, I still do not tell racist type jokes, unless I am asked to be people I know, and you, sir, I do not.. I do not consider telling jokes about white folk by white folk racist any more than I consider black people telling black jokes racist, only when you cross the line does it become racist. Nor do I use obscene language either to make a joke, now you go back to the Red Room and argue in there to your hearts content, UNLESS you have a good joke to tell!!
redranger 4/10/2014 8:33:46 PM Report
laughing at the expense of other races and nationalities is definitely not good for the soul. Why do you feel you have ascribe nationalities to the characters in the joke? It does not make it funnier.
mallet 4/10/2014 8:51:09 PM Report
When I lived in England a neighbour of mine had a dog and that it seemed to be going deaf. So she took it to the vet and the vet found that the dogs ears were getting blocked by hair. The vet cleaned both the dogs ear and it could hear fine again and the vet proceeded to tell her that the way to prevent this was to get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dogs ears once a month..
So she goes to the chemists and buys some "Nair" at the register the chemist says to her "if you using it under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days" She says "I am not using it under my arms" the chemist says "well if you using on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days" The woman says" I am not using it on my legs either, if you must know I am using it on my Schnauzer".
The chemist says "Oh well, stay off your bicycle for about a week then..
And a real quick Limey one...
England does not have a kidney bank
but it does have a Liverpool!!
celeste5 4/10/2014 8:57:21 PM Report
Do you have a promblem with women,
You seem to insult them.
Like Mallet said, go to the other room.
Good night everyone, I usually go to bed at 9pm.
mallet 4/10/2014 8:59:42 PM Report
Irishfey, my apologies I thought you were Holy.. We now have someone Holier that Thou.. Mr Red Ranger, sir, if you find our reparte too much for your sensibilities, please just scroll on by, we are not asking for your participation, and if I offend you, well you should get out a bit more..
celeste5 4/10/2014 9:03:49 PM Report
I made a mistake, problem,
See what you made me do Redranger, LOL.
celeste5 4/10/2014 9:07:03 PM Report
Now, I missed my bedtime.
Mallet, funny joke.
redranger 4/10/2014 9:22:46 PM Report
you found the joke about the kid screwing his grandmother funny...wow
mallet 4/10/2014 10:20:11 PM Report
Do you find Robin Williams funny, how about Eddie Murphy?? My mother would have said that was sailor talk, takes all sorts. I saw on the Red Site that your last exam was on the 17th, was that to be sure your "funny bone" had been removed completely. Had I heard that joke before, yes, did it make me laugh again, not really just a quick smile, there are very few jokes today that does not have "F" this or that in it, but if you look through all the jokes that have been posted I do not think you will find an obscene word in them, innuendo yes, but I am surprised by your narrow minded attitude, this is the 21st centuary not the Victorian.
Just Curious 4/10/2014 11:35:30 PM Report
Disclaimer,disclaimer(as per Bobby); redranger, I think you requested a French joke??Here's one...
two drs were talking and one said" I much prefer operating on really narrow-minded people. They only have 2 moving parts, the mouth and the a$$hole...and they are interchangeable."....:).
Just Curious 4/10/2014 11:36:15 PM Report
Oh, I'm sorry,,,not French...